Also, I have to clean my ears after every time I shower (every other day, usually), or I have a huge wax buildup.
I keep .... Like, you know how when you're sick and have phlegm stuck in your throat? Yeah, that is how my throat feels pretty much constantly. After a while of feeling like that, my voice goes lower. It is so weird!
-I have more mood swings
-my skin is soooo oily ( D: )
-I have been putting deodorant on twice a day and I still smell
-I have more energy, in general
-I have been getting turned on more than usual (previously, it was about once a month. Now it is at least four times a week)
-I eat waaaaay more (and I'm still hungry)
-I actually WANT healthy food
-Still leaking out my downstairs. As always. It sucks a lot.
-I feel more self-confident
-My face feels significantly different (rougher, kinda like pimples are forming, but different
So today is rainy, and my joints are rebelling. I am happy, though! :) I have so much on my to-do list.... It makes me sad.
I don't have a whole lot to say right now... So yeah.
Day 7 (22 Dec - Tuesday): My sister was over. The night before had been fantastic; Derek, my sister, and I played games and ate kolackies (a delicious Polish cookie, pronounced koh-lahtch-key). The day, I got up and my sister was searching for the TV remote (which doesn't exist). We ate leftover tomato soup and I made grilled cheese(s?) to go along with it. When Kelly got up, she was pissed that there was none left for her. But for some reason I thought she had already had some, even though she hadn't gotten home until like 2am the previous night. Don't ask, I have no idea.
Oh, before I made Ellaura and I's breakfast, I put my T tank top on (it's the only spaghetti strap shirt I own, so I wear it when I put the T gel on so I can use more of my shoulder than any other shirt), and put my T on.
Then, Derek messaged Kelly and I on facebook saying oh by the way that inspection we had? It was a cleanliness inspection and we failed and if the apartment is not up to par then we are getting evicted. Kelly freaked out and drama ensued. I don't want to go into detail, because everything has since been sorted out.
I was really angry, though, so once I was done cleaning the house, as per Kelly's instructions, I went to my parents' house with my sister.
Day 8 (23 Dec - Wednesday): In the morning, I put my T top on and put my T on, then went downstairs and ate breakfast. I was exhausted though, for some reason, so I went back to sleep once the T had dried.
At 2.30 or so, someone woke me up and I helped Grandma make more kolackies. Then I went back home around 4.30.
When Kelly got home that evening from work, we did our Christmas, Derek, Kelly, and I. It was amazing. Derek fangirlled over the cutting board, and when he opened the conductor's baton? Oh, man... It was amazing. He almost started crying. He hugged me forever and it was nice. XD I am glad I could have such an impact on him.
Kelly came home without a voice, but after three or four glasses of water, she had her voice back, so we could at least hear her reactions to her gifts. She squealed many times. It was awesome! She even hugged me unprovoked twice!!! :D
Day 9 (24 Dec - Thursday): Since my mom was going to get out early from work, she needed a ride home (okay just trust me here. It makes sense). My work is near my mom's, so my grandma offered to take me to work. Before she took me to work, she took me out to lunch. It was super good.
I got to work and found out there were early outs available, so I took one and went back to my grandma's car. We went and picked my mom up and, after some running around, we went to my parents' house.
My sister cleaned her room a decent amount, so I spent the night in her room (it was Christmas Eve, after all). As per usual (for me, at least), my voice dropped around 11, and continued getting lower until about 1, when I finally got to sleep. My sister really enjoyed my low voice, which makes me happy.
Day 10 (25 December - Friday): Ellaura and I got up at 3.30 am and ate breakfast. At 4, she went upstairs and woke everyone up. It was early, I was tired, and my joints were quite stiff, so I didn't do it with her.
I got good gifts, but the best was definitely a picture frame my dad gave me. It had my name (as opposed to my birthname) and he/they pronouns. And a super cute photo of my dad and I from forever ago. ^^ That showed me that my dad accepts me. I opened it and nearly cried. It was amazing!!!!
On top of that, my mom, grandma, AND grandpa used my name for the first time! Man, I felt amazing. Still do, actually. :D
I went back to bed. When I woke up I discovered that I do have... Bottom dysphoria. Previously I hadn't had it but... Because I'm at work, I am going to try to be a bit subtle. I am ovulating, and the results of it triggered intense dysphoria.
The day passed by in quite a blur. I didn't put my T on that day because I ... I'm not actually sure why. But I didn't. My voice still did the drop thing in the evening.
Day 11 (26 December - Saturday): I woke up to my alarm at 10.30. I put my binder on and put my T on. Unfortunately, I had to go downstairs in front of my grandma in my binder, which covers only a little bit more than a sports bra. She didn't call me fat at least, so there's that.
Grandma and I watched the newest episode of Doctor Who, and then I got ready to go. At like 2, my mom drove me to my friend Brittany's house to give her a gift. They also gave me a gift. He gave me a Supernatural book, which I am psyched to read. I gave her a mug that was filled with "the f-word" and explained (rudely) the difference between they're/their/there, you're/your, etc. They loved it! :D I also gave him a pin that said if you don't read, don't breed. She liked that too. Woo! Go me!
Then I went home. When I got home, I took care of my Christmas gifts and then ate. It was not a very eventful afternoon.
Once Derek got home, I was upset for no reason. Not even at him, just in general, and then Kelly exacerbated it by changing group chat colours. Dumb reason to be upset, I know, but... -shrug- nothing I could do.
Around 11, I started deep-lung coughing. It was horrible. I'm sick. I didn't get to bed until 1.30/2am, and I had to get up for work at 5. Yup.
Day 12 (27 Dec - Sunday): Moving is horrible, because it is cold. The high is like 42F. My joints are rejecting any notion of movement. Also, bottom dysphoria is still existing, and I was ready to off myself this morning.
Oh and I don't have any money to caffeinate, so I'm barely awake. Woo! But hey, money. And I do enjoy work, so there's that too... So yeah.
I am very cranky today and I just want to curl up in a blanket and sleep all day. That's about where I'm at.
Alrighty! All caught up. I'll try to be more consistent about updating this.
EDIT: My voice is already deeper, and it is the middle of the afternoon. It doesn't normally get this low until like 11pm. Woo!
Also, my voice is doing the thing again. It sounds scratchy but it doesn't feel scratchy. Haha...?
Oh, I had diarrhea this morning without having eaten a trigger food, so I suspect that it is a side-effect. Also, my butt itches like crazy, and it almost never does and it has for the last several days. I can't figure out why (no I am not dirty there, thanks.) but it is driving me up the wall.
I am sweating way more. And I sweat a lot, so... This sucks. Lol. I put twice the deodorant I normally do on this morning. Hopefully it works.
My abs still hurt from a couple of days ago... Oops?
There is something else that is going on but I can't remember what.
I think that's all the updates I have for my journey on T. I will update further if necessary.
I did not work yesterday, my fourth day on T, which is why I did not make a post. But yesterday was... Definitely interesting. I was incredibly energetic and hungry. I had a total of six meals and a bowl of ice cream yesterday... And I was still hungry the whole day. What the heck? Lol.
While I watched Phineas and Ferb on Netflix, I was doing sit ups and push ups. I would just do them whenever I felt like it, which turned out to be every several minutes... I did seven pushups in a row at one point! Whoa! :D I did a total of over 50 push ups and sit ups yesterday. And I was super close to going for a run.
The only reason I didn't was because there are stairs to my apartment, and I knew my knees wouldn't like that. So I didn't. But I was like whoa what is this? Energy? Me?
Day 5 is today. I have been up for almost five hours (it is not even 10 yet). I am super energetic physically, but exhausted emotionally. I will update if anything changes.
EDIT: My voice/throat is doing a thing? Like... It has decided to be like when you need to clear your throat but not quite. Is my voice changing already?
After 45 minutes, I was like "Well I need to get ready for work" because I was supposed to leave like 15 minutes from that point. So I put on a bra (which sucks in and of itself, but today is an eight hour day. So I can't bind). It took me forever to find a shirt, but I am wearing jeans! Yeah, whoa, I know. But they're actually moderately comfortable! ...and I am out of other pants to wear, so I didn't have a whole lot of choice. But still! Haha. . .
Oh, so I already have another change. My face feels different. Like, way different. Less soft. Like, what? Whoa. I dunno if it's normal but... yeah.
I know I won't see any affects from the T for a while, but I am still excited and have been happy all day. Okay, not /all/ day... My mood has been fluctuating a bit, but I have been mostly happy. And hungry. Wait, is that an emotion? Sure. Let's say it is.
Okay so technically, it's the second, but it's the very end of my day, therefore I am writing for the first.
I'm going to attempt to make sure that this makes sense, although if it does... whoops~.
Today I was going to try to wake up by nine, but then I realised that my alarms might wake my housemates up, so I decided to use my usual alarms... And I didn't wake up until like, ten? I was really grumpy.
After breakfast I went back to bed (as per usual, but I really shouldn't). I dreamt that I was in a wheelchair but did gymnastics, and for the Nationals, I had to participate in a tractor for it to be fair to everyone else (??????).
I woke up panicking because my mom wasn't there like she had been in my dream. As a side note, that brings up one problem: I only have five days of anti-depressants/anxiety meds left, no refills, and no appointment in sight... withdrawal and suicidal-ness here I come!
I scrubbed down the kitchen wall (it had spaghetti sauce splattered everywhere) and then did the dishes. Then I sat down and played Paper Mario for a few hours and did the dishes and took the garbage out (which I rarely do, yay!) but felt like shit afterwards, emotionally. Yay.
I played more, and then Kelly got home. Eventually, Derek got home. We went to the corner store and got ice cream and came back (even though it's less than half a mile, round-trip, sweat was rolling down my everywhere and everything hurt and I thought i was going to pass out...) and got pizza ordered.
We watched Free Birds while we ate.
Do you want to know how I'm doing overall, emotionally, though? Shitty. Really fucking shitty. I'm barely holding the suicidal thoughts back and I'm ready to start hurting myself again. Even though Felicia Day and all of my friends would be so unhappy with me... If they never found out, though...
Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. I've decided to put how long I've been clean at the bottom of these, instead of signatures or whathaveyou. So here:
9 weeks 1 day (clean)